Petty Scandals

This past weekend I attended a conference at the Lahore University of Management Sciences which had panelists flown in from Europe, America and India, carefully iced with the best Pakistan had to offer. I found that there is no dearth of intellectually brilliant minds in Pakistan; the dearth lies in our knowledge of their existence and appreciation for the work they do. I’ll be the first to shamefully admit that I had heard of only a few of our local attendee’s, and that too by word of mouth. I’d never taken the time out to look into the work they were doing or gauge what it was they were trying to tell us. Doctor Phil says that admitting the problem is the first step to recovery.

Take Strings for example, until they were jamming with John Abraham and Sanjay Dutt, we didn’t really give a dhaani. We all know the tale of how we found Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan astounding once India started begging him to sing for Bollywood. That’s when we started noticing what the likes of Peter Gabriel and other maestro’s of the West had noticed decades before (also, the West loved him for his Qawali’s – long before his soundtrack to Dead Man Walking). Then, we all heard the tale of how Ustad Nusrat’s grave was dug up and his body was found enveloped in his own tongue. Why? Blasphemy, of course - he used the same tongue to sing songs for the Hindu’s that he once used to praise Allah. Astaghfar. I mean, none of us use our namazi tongue’s to curse at the beggar who dared touch my clean car window that I zapped up as he approached. Never. My grave will be sound and my body shall not be shroud in my tongue, but in light - nur; Alhumdulillah.

The appreciation our local hero’s (including academics) receive and the acknowledgement their work and contribution to Pakistani culture and heritage is given is negligible, to say in the least. Instead, it is the likes of Shoaib Malik that are recognized, not for their “confused-cricketeering” (in the words of a world-renowned cricket blogger), but for marrying someone from behind enemy lines. That seemed to be all I could find on the news this week. As much as I wanted to escape it, I could only find information of the weight problems faced by Shoaib’s first wife (Note to World: nikkah’s conducted over the phone are so passé) and how Sania Mirza really doesn’t like wearing short skirts – they’re just practical. I couldn’t find any coverage of the attack on the U.S. embassy in Peshawar or the general state of affairs in the world, post Obama’s speech to change the U.S.’s attitude towards use of nuclear arms; all that is secondary to the love affair that shall be settled in a nikkah in Dubai, where Shoaib’s family can incidentally fly with more ease.

Hina said to me that it was refreshing, seeing Shoaib battle with the media over his personal life. She said it was refreshing because it “takes our mind off of the explosions and all the lives we’ve lost”. However, instead of distracting ourselves with educational information concerning the majestic character that was our Quaid (as opposed to the run of the mill, boilerplate description we find in our Pak-Studies books), we’d rather watch the latest Michael Moore documentary on how the U.S. is full of sicko’s. “It’s cooler”; just as it was once cool to smoke, then it wasn’t and now it’s cool again. Frankly, I’m losing count.

What Hina said next is what caught me off-guard and made me think. She said that India has prospered because they revere their culture, promote it, and endorse their leaders and figureheads; “Gandhi is god”. I’m not saying Gandhi was not all that they say he was; he was indeed, a brilliant man, but so was Allama Iqbal and Ajmal Khattak. My friend eloquently concluded: “in our country the going-rate for buying respect is a couple of million Rupees, not good deeds.” Sadly, she’s right; we promote the wrong people. Sure Meera Jee has contributed to her share of cinema and whether or not I think she’s good is secondary (I don’t). But that we’re so fascinated about what email address it was that she used to write to her purported husband in impeccable diction, is what leaves me dumbfounded.

Indian artist, Bhai Baldeep Singh, calls it involvement in “petty scandals”. We’re too involved in how one of our own would take a bride from the other side of the border, to notice that about 40 children get kidnapped each week from villages and remote areas we cannot drive our newly polished convertible’s to. Reports of these kidnappings will never hit the airwaves like Sahil Saeed’s kidnapping did because these children do not speak the Angraizi and their parents make minimum wage – barely. Mr. Singh says that we’re too engrossed in religious and geographical preferences to notice our real issues and try to resolve them. I believe that we need a break from the constant flow of bad news; but our media personnel should be looking to fill that void with good inspirational stories, not a bad remix of Star Plus and old-wives-tales.

After listening to all those intellectuals talk of how India and Pakistan, although partitioned, shared much of the same problems and had much of the same soul, I wonder if they’re right. Clearly, India seems to be going places we’re only beginning to learn of. I don’t think our partition with India is remotely related to our plight; it’s our partition from our own culture, our own people and their achievements and accomplishments that require more consideration. Just like we’ll come out in flock to see what Sana Safinaz has in store for this year’s lawn season, let’s see what the likes of Kamal Khan Mumtaz, Ayesha Jalal and Tariq Rahman have to say, generally.

Directly Proportionate

April 02, 2010

Studies show that the drone attacks in the NWFP against militants have caused more harm than benefit; they’re fueling the terrorists, leaving them with the want to avenge more death and destruction, regenerating more militants in place of the few and promoting an anti-U.S. sentiment amongst Pakistani citizens in general.

Official reports of the civilian causalities from the drone attacks in the NWFP from 2009 vary between 20 and 700, the former being an official report given by U.S. military personnel to a leading U.S. newspaper; the latter, Pakistan’s failed cry for attention (or a slightly watered-down version of the truth). Independent resources say 32% of all casualties are civilian.

I do not believe the American’s are against us (please recall the “you are either with us or with the terrorists” speech by President Bush in the wake of 9/11). They have assured us of “change we can believe in” and constantly boosted our ego with chants of “yes we can”. Hussain (Obama) spoke to us directly in his beautifully crafted speech delivered in Cairo. It contained all the right elements to woo the Muslim Ummah: carefully calculated pause for applaud, a pinch of hope and quotations from the Qur’an added to taste. I believe that joint efforts of the U.S. administration are working towards a more sustainable Pakistan by bringing peace to the region and *insert other oft-repeated empty phrase here*.

But why, you ask, has there been no tangible change? Mr. Harold Hongju Koh, Legal Advisor to the U.S. Department of State, explained how the Obama government had to ensure more continuity in the international relations department than change; because you can’t turn a ship around in a day – that, and they were aiming for a shift in the “attitude toward international law”. [Fact: there were 45 drone attacks in Pakistan during the entire Bush era, in comparison to the 51 of Obama’s term so far.] He reiterated how the war in Afghanistan was not an “American war” but one “joined by forty-three other countries… in an effort to defend ourselves and all nations from further attacks… [from Al-Qaeda, the Taliban and all associated forces who] continue to attack us. We are acting in response to the, horrific 9/11 attacks and may use force consistent with its inherent right to self-defense under international law.”

Mr. Koh said there were two rules governing operations to ensure that they were in fact consistent with principles of the law of war; these are: distinction (making sure your targets aren’t civilians or civil objects) and proportionality (requiring the “collateral damage” to be proportionate to the benefits of the operation).

Let’s do the math for the sake of proportionality. It has been nine years since the attack on 9/11 which killed almost 3,000 people; since, about 103,000 civilians have lost their lives in Iraq, and “hundreds of thousands” (there are no exact figures – opinions vary) in Afghanistan and the uncounted in Pakistan. This ought to put the “distinction” argument in perspective too. But, we are the joint forces who are at war, because it’s not an American war, to protect American soil, even though all “collateral damage” seems to be levied on us. Distinctly proportionate.

Gist of the story, says Mr. Koh: “U.S. targeting practices, including lethal operations conducted with the use of unmanned aerial vehicles, comply with all applicable law, including the laws of war.” As for the question of “sovereignty” that General Kayani keeps harping on, we’re told that the U.S. does not consider the NWFP part and parcel to Pakistan as it has its own legal and social code (thank you amendment number one million to the Constitution). They say that because Baluchistan is following the rest of Pakistan with regard to its legal framework, it remains within the bounds of Pakistan, ergo, out of bounds of the U.S. drone attacks; that is, until they can come up with another excuse. Amen.

I would like to say this: President Hussain, please put money where your mouths at. I’d like you to refrain from floral language and give it to us straight. If you can, try to stay out of our business and let us figure out our lives. As for the Pakistani government, please start realizing and educating others of the “numbers” detailing lives we’ve lost in this “war on terror”. Why aren’t our “Names of the Dead” honorably displayed in our newspapers and in our government buildings (in the U.S. House, every Representative has a board of pictures of soldiers from their district that have lost their lives in this war and newspapers print updates lists of names)? Why is it that we can honor the likes of Iftikhar Chaudhry and not those who lay their lives on the line for us every day without any recognition of their sacrifices? Let’s conduct a “long march” for them and the police/army personnel conducting traffic check posts and show appreciation for what they do instead of cursing at them under our breath as we inch through traffic; they want to be there just as much as we do.

Studies have also shown that generally suicide attacks, although advertised as being conducted in fervor of a religion, are all freedom fighters who want an end to foreign occupation (see also: Chechnya and female suicide bombers). Therefore, in the words of Allama Iqbal: “Let's try hard to stop insulting each other and to prevent all kinds of violence.”

They Rose from Cauliflower

March 26, 2010

Everyone knows that Pakistan, a front-liner on this War on Terror, has been dealing with the repercussions of the Taliban seeping through the Af-Pak border into its North West Frontier Province (NWFP). There, the War on Terror took another twist and “we” started blindly bombing these illegal immigrants; and a full-term-baby later, we seem to have killed about a dozen of their top-officials and close to a thousand others that Hollywood calls “collateral damage”. But those suckers seem to keep growing! We kill, they replace, and the damn circle of life starts all over again. I blame The Lion King.

Our government has an impeccable plan to dupe the Taliban into leaving. By passing the 18^th Amendment to the Constitution [Situation Comparison: in the 63 years of Pakistan’s existence, we’ve passed 17 amendments to our Constitution. The U.S., in its 263 years of existence, has passed 27. Conclusion: Pakistan stands for stability.], they’re going to change the name of the NWFP to something more inconspicuous like “Pakhtoonistan”. This way, when the Taliban are crawling out of the caves, we say: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Taliban: “Err, the Frontier of Pakistan, of course!”

“Sorry, bud, wrong number; one-seven se rujoo farmaein.”

“Fudge-sickles, let’s move further east!” Thereby, strategically placing them in India. Two birds, one stone indeed.

Thereafter, America will want to be our best friend, give us more aid which we can use to equip our Governor house with a much needed gold-plated toilet seat; while India will be left to deal with its incessantly growing internal terror threats and will have to kiss international cricket goodbye. Now, I’m not wishing ill on India at all. I believe the power of Bollywood will prevail and soon the Taliban will be prancing around trees and serenading the monsoon rain in yellow turbans (inspired by Sri Devi’s yellow sari, of course).

The Awami National Party (ANP) wanted to rename NWFP “Pakhtunkhwa” - claimed to be the original name of the area and a request that was duly passed in the Provincial Assembly. PML-N worries that it gives the wrong message and would prefer the word “Abbasin” to precede Pakhtunkhwa. If that is done, ANP insists Punjab be renamed “Saraiki Punjab” or “Gandhara”.

We ought to do our research, therefore, for further inspiration on this topic, let’s look at how countries have been named in the past. Here are our options:

Naming a place after its people: e.g. England (land of Angels – haha, got to love the English sense of humor) and Nigeria (from “Niger” which means black). Because the people of the NWFP region look like a Nazi dream, I’d refrain from making use of this precedent.

Naming a place after the physical characteristics of the land: e.g. Albania (white mountain) and Jordan (River Jordan). We could use “Ghaar-istan” but that’s not so poetic unless it’s pronounced all throaty, and seeing how guttural words are innately Arab, we’d just be inviting the Taliban home. Not the best idea.

Naming a place after someone: e.g. Saudi Arabia (House of Saud) and El Salvador (which means “savior” in Spanish – named after Jesus). But who do we name NWFP after? Our Prophet, peace be with him, so that the Taliban feel like they’d be smote if they intrude? Or one of our many military dictators because they promoted Islam in their own special way? Or maybe Bhutto, because let’s face it, she’s everywhere.

Randomly inspired names: e.g. “Brunei” stems from the Malay exclamation "barunah!”, meaning "great!" How about “Fakhir” for “great” in Farsi? Not that we’re promoting pop-music in Talibanland. Nepal is derived from “Nepa” which means “those who domesticate cattle”. How would you lyrically translate “those who sell arms or our stolen car for a song”? Thailand means “Land of the Free”; I think we ought to use “Home of the Brave”. [Any reference to a patriotic anthem is highly coincidental.] All of the above are fairly solid options in my opinion.

I was very fascinated when I learned the meaning behind the name “Pakistan”. I always figured, we were detaching ourselves from the impure Hindu’s, so “Land of the Pure” was pretty apt and that was all the thought it took (needless to say, I almost failed my pure-studies class in school). Chaudhry Rehmat Ali coined the name in 1933 as an acronym of the different regions that would constitute the Pure Land: Punjab, Afghania – his preferred name for NWFP, Kashmir and Sind. “Stan” was adopted form Baluchistan and, what do you know, it also means “home of” in Farsi. [Rehmat Ali gave further explanation, developing the letters behind the name, in 1947. Since I prefer the initial explanation, the latter is irrelevant.]

My vote is with Rehmat Ali. Let’s name it Afghania and forget what the Provincial Assembly voted on. Besides, referring to Quaid’s Fourteen Points, Point Number One was to have a federal government giving only residual powers to the provinces. I’m sorry, but “residuary” doesn’t mean you get to name yourselves. Next thing you know, they’ll want a separate legal system to govern them as well. Oh wait…

By the way, the 18^th Amendment also places all powers back in the office of the Prime Minister, as would be expected of a Parliamentary form of government; clearly, not as pressing as renaming. Shakespeare didn’t know what he was talking about when he said “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Not really, William; it becomes a cauliflower and that just smells.

The Pakistani Dream

March 20, 2010

I found myself at a happening event in Lahore last week – not that anything in Lahore is “un-happening”. I discovered that our introductions have evolved over the years to now incorporate the most useless of facts. We used to meet someone, introduce ourselves (using both first and last name, unless you’re Madonna), tell them it was oh-so-jolly that we got to meet and thereafter, proceed to enquire about their day/health/the weather. These days, we jump to the statistics and the imperative facts: what we’re made of - hot air or regal lineage? If you're beneath me, why squander precious banter time on you? That’s why it was absolutely apt that someone introduced themselves as a *insert caste name here* and another as having lands. All this with the backdrop of a bomb going off in Model Town, nothing short of a massacre in R.A. Bazaar and then seven other trinket explosions in Iqbal Town. We don’t lose focus.

I read about the water shortage that has left the women of Sind scaling miles to retrieve about two gallons for their family; very efficient and very hygienic indeed. But let me not waste time on things that don’t affect me directly. I live in the real Pakistan – The Punjab, the blessed – Alhamdulillah! We are so blessed that not only do we have access to water with the turn of a tap, (sans someone filling the tank once a week) but we also have a daredevil provincial parliamentarian who wants her husband to marry a second (third or fourth) time without her consent and another, who generously gifted her dupatta (her honor, if you will) to Shahbaz Sharif – who incidentally pleaded with the Taliban (trading his honor) to leave his province and focus on the un-real parts of Pakistan, if it so pleases them.

But Sind is strange; they are not allowing the Taliban within their borders, chasing them out by spewing their Urdu-Speaking-ness at the speed of the Rawalpindi express. The Taliban are men of God, don’t they know? I fail to understand why we allow non-Punjabi’s to consider themselves Pakistani, let alone human, they be so stupid. We’re more Muslim here in the Punjab than they are in Sind and Baluchistan combined! We stand by our Tehreek-e-Whatever, because their name sounds more Muslim than “Muttahida Qaumi Movement” and all their members fashion unruly beards. Answer me this: was Pakistan not claimed in the name of Islam? I believe it was; therefore, these people ought to know better! They don’t stand for the principles our Father-e-Nation taught us. It is claimed that he was in fact just looking for a secular state, but I know he meant for the words “Islamic Republic” to precede our country’s name – forget that it took us almost a decade (1956, to be exact) to realize that.

I’m not going to comment on the PPP; I mean, they’re in power, their name includes “Pakistan” and their slogan “roti, kapra, makaan” points all fingers towards the Punjabi dream. Why else do you think Punjab incorporates all agricultural hubs, Faisalabad and endless developing housing schemes (read: “for its elite” – the only people that matter)? So, when James Truslow Adams spoke of the American Dream he only did so because he saw (just as Zaid Hamid sees the coming of Ghazwa-e-Hind – which by definition is flawed but who cares because he’s Ali-Azmat-endorsed) the coming of Pakistan where his words would stand true. In “Epic of America” Mr. Adams writes: “It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely (because I have my lands to support my feudal ways), but a dream of social order in which each (Punjabi) man and each (Punjabi) woman (haha kidding, women are just to fill those pre-assigned seats in parliament so we can show the world that they’re equal and attend committee parties. They know their real place is in the kitchen where they shall concoct new variations of the Paratha) shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable (i.e. how much you can bribe), and be recognized by others for what they (i.e. their forefathers) are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position (again, kidding. You know only *insert caste name here* have it made).” Mr. Adams was innately Muslim being a direct descendant of Hazrat Adam, his name standing testament to that; and we all know all true Muslims are Pakistani (read: Punjabi) at heart.

When we Lahori’s mingle in our (sheltered) environments, be it a GT in Bedian or a launch of some new brand, we’ll talk about the weather, complain about how Muslims around the world have it bad: “I got stopped on my weekend trip to Prague because my green passport smelled of curry” – pass a quick comment on Palestine and sip our lattes as we gaze scornfully at someone’s top-of-the-range LV purse. Similarly, our local assembly debates things of importance, how to get our youth off of those late night phone calls because what is happening in the wee hours of the morning on your budget-talk-phone-plan can only be the workings of Lucifer himself. Astaghfar! We don’t need to take more action against the increased terror attacks to the city that are causing our children to miss school, we simply deploy the best of our army and police to protect those that matter (minutes after the Model Town blast, I was stuck in traffic because of our V.I. Premier moving out of this beautiful city into the safer realms of “I don’t even care”).

This is why Punjab has always been represented better *ahem* in government and why we epitomize Pakistan. We can’t have some Muhajir representing our country now can we? Only the silly Americans would allow a foreigner like Schwarzenegger to hold government office. But then again, he is the Terminator. I mean, forget that we’re all technically Muhajir because we all were Indian about sixty some years ago. But yeah, we’re the real Pakistan and Punjabi is the real national language; we just say it’s Urdu to keep the little folk happy and out of our hair so we can shop in peace. So, as we sit out our late night talk shows, discussing (yelling/rambling) matters of importance in our Punjabi-English accent, Sind, Baluchistan and the NWFP for that matter, can take up inconsequential things like the Taliban and the drones that seem to miraculously kill dozens of their people every week – Note: their people, their problem (just don’t let your internally displaced filter into our nicer parts of town; that’ll really upset us). That’s why they’re not invited to J&S’s latest ball. They wouldn’t know how to represent.

Please, Sind, Pakistan is not “khappo-ing” it is only you that is creating the racket by screaming that incessantly into our ears. Kindly refrain. Thanks.