They Rose from Cauliflower

March 26, 2010

Everyone knows that Pakistan, a front-liner on this War on Terror, has been dealing with the repercussions of the Taliban seeping through the Af-Pak border into its North West Frontier Province (NWFP). There, the War on Terror took another twist and “we” started blindly bombing these illegal immigrants; and a full-term-baby later, we seem to have killed about a dozen of their top-officials and close to a thousand others that Hollywood calls “collateral damage”. But those suckers seem to keep growing! We kill, they replace, and the damn circle of life starts all over again. I blame The Lion King.

Our government has an impeccable plan to dupe the Taliban into leaving. By passing the 18^th Amendment to the Constitution [Situation Comparison: in the 63 years of Pakistan’s existence, we’ve passed 17 amendments to our Constitution. The U.S., in its 263 years of existence, has passed 27. Conclusion: Pakistan stands for stability.], they’re going to change the name of the NWFP to something more inconspicuous like “Pakhtoonistan”. This way, when the Taliban are crawling out of the caves, we say: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Taliban: “Err, the Frontier of Pakistan, of course!”

“Sorry, bud, wrong number; one-seven se rujoo farmaein.”

“Fudge-sickles, let’s move further east!” Thereby, strategically placing them in India. Two birds, one stone indeed.

Thereafter, America will want to be our best friend, give us more aid which we can use to equip our Governor house with a much needed gold-plated toilet seat; while India will be left to deal with its incessantly growing internal terror threats and will have to kiss international cricket goodbye. Now, I’m not wishing ill on India at all. I believe the power of Bollywood will prevail and soon the Taliban will be prancing around trees and serenading the monsoon rain in yellow turbans (inspired by Sri Devi’s yellow sari, of course).

The Awami National Party (ANP) wanted to rename NWFP “Pakhtunkhwa” - claimed to be the original name of the area and a request that was duly passed in the Provincial Assembly. PML-N worries that it gives the wrong message and would prefer the word “Abbasin” to precede Pakhtunkhwa. If that is done, ANP insists Punjab be renamed “Saraiki Punjab” or “Gandhara”.

We ought to do our research, therefore, for further inspiration on this topic, let’s look at how countries have been named in the past. Here are our options:

Naming a place after its people: e.g. England (land of Angels – haha, got to love the English sense of humor) and Nigeria (from “Niger” which means black). Because the people of the NWFP region look like a Nazi dream, I’d refrain from making use of this precedent.

Naming a place after the physical characteristics of the land: e.g. Albania (white mountain) and Jordan (River Jordan). We could use “Ghaar-istan” but that’s not so poetic unless it’s pronounced all throaty, and seeing how guttural words are innately Arab, we’d just be inviting the Taliban home. Not the best idea.

Naming a place after someone: e.g. Saudi Arabia (House of Saud) and El Salvador (which means “savior” in Spanish – named after Jesus). But who do we name NWFP after? Our Prophet, peace be with him, so that the Taliban feel like they’d be smote if they intrude? Or one of our many military dictators because they promoted Islam in their own special way? Or maybe Bhutto, because let’s face it, she’s everywhere.

Randomly inspired names: e.g. “Brunei” stems from the Malay exclamation "barunah!”, meaning "great!" How about “Fakhir” for “great” in Farsi? Not that we’re promoting pop-music in Talibanland. Nepal is derived from “Nepa” which means “those who domesticate cattle”. How would you lyrically translate “those who sell arms or our stolen car for a song”? Thailand means “Land of the Free”; I think we ought to use “Home of the Brave”. [Any reference to a patriotic anthem is highly coincidental.] All of the above are fairly solid options in my opinion.

I was very fascinated when I learned the meaning behind the name “Pakistan”. I always figured, we were detaching ourselves from the impure Hindu’s, so “Land of the Pure” was pretty apt and that was all the thought it took (needless to say, I almost failed my pure-studies class in school). Chaudhry Rehmat Ali coined the name in 1933 as an acronym of the different regions that would constitute the Pure Land: Punjab, Afghania – his preferred name for NWFP, Kashmir and Sind. “Stan” was adopted form Baluchistan and, what do you know, it also means “home of” in Farsi. [Rehmat Ali gave further explanation, developing the letters behind the name, in 1947. Since I prefer the initial explanation, the latter is irrelevant.]

My vote is with Rehmat Ali. Let’s name it Afghania and forget what the Provincial Assembly voted on. Besides, referring to Quaid’s Fourteen Points, Point Number One was to have a federal government giving only residual powers to the provinces. I’m sorry, but “residuary” doesn’t mean you get to name yourselves. Next thing you know, they’ll want a separate legal system to govern them as well. Oh wait…

By the way, the 18^th Amendment also places all powers back in the office of the Prime Minister, as would be expected of a Parliamentary form of government; clearly, not as pressing as renaming. Shakespeare didn’t know what he was talking about when he said “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Not really, William; it becomes a cauliflower and that just smells.